I've been working myself literally to death, and then trying to exercise, so I got horribly sick. I'm sure it has something to do with my upcoming sobriety date and my general panic around birthdays and holiday events. I dislike milestones. I prefer ordinary days when nothing extraordinary is expected to happen. Now that I have a fever and can do nothing I am even more emotionally cracked out. Sitting still and not being able to do anything just lets me think. And feel. Two shitty things when one is in a bad space, and sober.
I know most of you here don't have a life like mine. Most of you are married and settled, have a kid. I admit that I feel very foreign to the women I teach, especially when I do in person classes. For varying reasons I have for most of my life sequestered myself in my room and see very few people. It started after Highschool when I developed panic disorder and really couldn't go anywhere.
But it grew into a general uneasiness in the real world. And sitting here sick makes me think of it even more. I feel like such a fk up. That even though I have many valid excuses as to why I am how I am and what fked up things happened, I still feel like I'm doing it wrong. Obviously I am because I'm so sick. I know what I need to do for my health and I go on the roller coaster of doing it and then not doing it and I pay for it like now. It is absolutely the same thing as pouring a bottle of vodka down my throat only its not vodka, its 18 hour days and eating pop tarts. Same results - exhaustion, sickness, it just happens slower. There's more time for me to stop it then when I'm in a binge of drinking, and when I drank once I had one it was Off To The Races and I would be unable to stop...sort of like how I got to here today. Sick like I am.
Once I'm on that manic roll of sugar and work and no feeling and go gO GO! I don't want to stop. Stopping means feeling and thinking and missing and longing and looking at the superficial aspects of my life and knowing I am not where I want to be yet. And knowing I'll never get there if I don't deal with my health. It's a circle of not wanting to feel or think then doing things so I wont feel or think and then it makes me sick. So I'm sober, but still act like an addict, does that make sense? The first step is of course admittance.